Startup Life

Patience, a sense of humor, and willingness to forgive are excellent qualities to cultivate in yourself and to encourage in your partner. (Location 493)

Your partner is not a mind reader, nor can you read your partner’s mind even if you think you can. Each of you has an obligation to be brave when it comes to initiating communication and working through issues. Some issues don’t ever get completely resolved but come up through a relationship over and over again; issues (Location 507)

Another crucial area for communication is to talk about expectations, limits, boundaries, and being clear on what is unforgivable behavior to each of you. (Location 519)

The work involved in each of you knowing for yourself what is intolerable, and then having the courage to be clear about it with your partner, is work that will strengthen you as individuals and as a couple. (Location 523)

The actual long-term highest priority is to have a good life, with room for both love and work. (Location 537)

it starts with communicating what you think motivates each of you. (Location 554)

Part of the fascinating thing about being in a relationship is that it thrusts a mirror in your face so that you see your own behavior more clearly, which can sometimes be hard to take. (Location 556)

We believe that a healthy relationship helps you become your best self. You have an opportunity to feel safe and encouraged by your partner, as well as the reciprocal opportunity to be supportive and encouraging. (Location 560)

Checking in regularly to find out whether you both feel like you’re putting in equal effort or being asked to sacrifice more than your fair share is a fundamental communication habit. (Location 572)

If one of you feels that he is doing all the sacrificing, that’s not going to be sustainable over the long run. (Location 575)

Make a habit of doing small things that you’re fortunate enough to have someone in your life to do for—showing gratitude is one of the common happiness boosters. (Location 634)

You need to feel safe to be honest with your partner, but you each also have to do deep digging into your own selves to honestly know what you’re truly thinking and feeling before you can share with your partner. (Location 814)

kind honesty is preferable to brutal honesty. (Location 819)

It’s better to express your anger in the moment and move past the conflict than to cling to feelings of injury for long periods of time. (Location 837)

Thinking in black and white and absolutes can be a barrier to effective communication and connection. (Location 857)

Over time, we’ve discovered that it’s okay to want attention and ask for attention. (Location 869)

You’ll notice a consistent pattern in each meltdown story. One of us melted down. The other, rather than react, went into a super calm, let me try to help, or at least be really nice mode. We call this “soothing the bear.” (Location 946)

Brad never escalates in the (Location 995)

situations. Instead, he hugs Amy, makes funny sounds, jumps up and down and laughs, and basically signals that it’s okay and we should calm down for now. (Location 995)

Making “I” statements also serves to keep responsibility centered in the right person and forces the angry person to be honest about how she is really feeling. (Location 1003)

It’s easier to defer needing to communicate to a better time if trust is developed that there will be a time for talking, (Location 1028)

We’ve both individually sought counseling to get through difficult phases of our lives, and have both found therapy, particularly if you’re not emotionally expressive or verbal, to be incredibly (Location 1119)

helpful. (Location 1120)

A therapist can help you articulate what is true for you as individuals and within your relationship. If you come with a lot of baggage, counseling can help you clean out those steamer trunks from the past and be clearer in your current relationship rather than reliving past patterns. (Location 1121)

If you start with the same values you share with your partner, around things like trust, commitment, respect, and communication, you’ll be off to a good start. Defining these values clearly, (Location 1187)

Rather than address and resolve conflict, many things are left to simmer, requiring years of therapy as (Location 1222)

an (Location 1222)

adult to resolve. (Location 1222)

Incorporating your partner into the mix correctly is important. However, recognize that this is bidirectional. An entrepreneur who isn’t engaged in any way in her partner’s life will also have an unsatisfying relationship. Balance is key. Recognize that there are two (Location 1251)

partners involved. (Location 1253)

Work is the very fire where we are baked to perfection, and like the master of the fire itself, we add the essential ingredient and fulfillment when we walk into the flames ourselves and fuel the transformation of ordinary, everyday forms (Location 1301)

into the exquisite and the rare. (Location 1302)

Wherever you end up in your goals for your love life, understanding ends (Location 1333)

up being an important factor for success. (Location 1333)

Understanding, though, is a two-way street. Taking the time to understand your partner’s needs and supporting them with their career, personal goals, and emotional needs ends up being just as important. Deeply understanding each other leads to a stronger connection, clear expectations, and less stress. And who knows—your partner may end up being an accelerant for your business. (Location 1336)

You could be more focused, confident, and creative at work! (Location 1339)

When someone gives him praise or positive feedback, he hears it and is gracious, but it has little to no impact on his motivational structure. However, if he learns something, it’s incredibly motivating to him. Amy shares this thirst for learning, but appreciates a pat on the back and gold (Location 1366)

stars a lot more. The absence of this is demotivating to her, but too much praise is also demotivating, as she interprets it as insincere and subsequently devalues it. (Location 1368)

In your partnership it’s helpful to understand each other’s motive structure because it improves communication by making it easier to give the right kind of feedback that your partner can hear and appreciate. (Location 1370)

If you marry an independent personality, you’d better be able to BRING IT when (Location 1389)

you are with her. You need to be worth her doing your laundry, doing your dishes, and raising the kids. Jump in and help out when you’re around, listen to her talk about her day, whether it’s about kid spit-up and dog puke, or about her day working at NASA (or both!), and try (Location 1389)

accept him for who he is. (Location 1392)

Risk may also be defined differently for entrepreneurs, who would rather take personal financial risks than risk getting hurt in a relationship. (Location 1407)

Money is a hot topic issue in almost all relationships, whether they are with your romantic partner, your girlfriends or guy friends, your parents, or your siblings. The most interesting element about money and the entrepreneur is that it can be more challenging to understand how they feel about it when you are the significant other. A person who has always worked a salaried position from 9 to 5 arguably does not view money in the same way as the entrepreneur. For these people (like myself), money is there at the beginning of the job and (Location 1411)

Yet we coexist happily. We’ve (Location 1433)

learned that we just want to physically be together. (Location 1434)

Engineers and poets have different worldviews and communication styles; the engineer is systematic, literal, logical, (Location 1438)

and rational, and the poet is metaphorical, relational, open-ended, and emotional. (Location 1439)

If the two people in a relationship are at extreme ends of the gender communication style spectrum, you’ll need to work on some techniques to know what each of you needs in a particular communication moment. (Location 1440)

especially if that cycle lasts a long time? (Location 1450)

Often, Amy just wants empathy, but instead of struggling to communicate this, she’ll often just say, “Honey, I want a glass of water.” This is the signal to Brad that Amy doesn’t want her problem solved, but instead wants empathy (Location 1468)

Sometimes you just want to feel like someone hears and understands you and that you’re not crazy or alone in the absurd and indifferent universe. (Location 1470)

We are honest with each other, we are learning how to communicate better, (Location 1521)

That’s the key—remembering that each of us is equally as committed to making our marriage work despite the challenges entrepreneurship brings to the relationship. (Location 1523)

Entrepreneurs are noted fidgeters. (Location 1530)

The downside is an inability to relax and let go and calm the mind and not be stressed out all the time. (Location 1531)

You need to sort out what a maniacal, work-focused entrepreneur does to downshift and relax and make sure your partner is okay with your (Location 1541)

nonwork time allocation, too. (Location 1542)

Joanne had a number of entrepreneurial experiences early in their relationship, spent 20 years focusing most of her energy on managing their family, which included three kids, and is once again deeply involved in the entrepreneurial ecosystem through her angel investing, (Location 1549)

These values include how you communicate, the commitment you have to each other, and your shared definition of concepts such as responsibility, trust, and honesty. (Location 1580)

Communication, as we’ve said before and will say again, is the primary (Location 1589)

factor in having a happy relationship. (Location 1590)

One of the beauties of being in a trusting relationship is feeling like you can be your real self, even if that self can be direct, random, irrational, emotional, or a pain in the ass. (Location 1605)

Ultimately, our goal was to have our values be aligned. (Location 1623)

As a couple, we believe you can never hug each other enough, say you love each other too much, or laugh too often. (Location 1654)

Humor is a gift. I think we both share the same silly sense of humor. (Location 1662)

help us move on with our lives, as moving forward is healthier than constantly looking back. (Location 1667)

It is vital that partners agree on what those unforgivable actions are, especially in an entrepreneurial relationship. The entrepreneur is already spending an enormous amount of time and energy with her business; her partner will already feel lonely and neglected at times. Time and distance apart exacerbate this and bring up even more fears and anxieties if the unforgivable isn’t explicitly defined. (Location 1712)

Our point is that you need to define these explicitly as a couple and give each other room to express what the boundaries are. (Location 1724)

Rather than trying to have it all every day, we encourage you to focus on setting priorities depending on which phase of the entrepreneurial cycle, and stage of your life, you are in as a couple. (Location 1745)

Rather than thinking of it with regret, as potential roads not taken, approach it positively as doors opening and closing. When you let a door close, the door, and what’s behind it, may still be there for you at some point in the future. Remember the choice to let the door close and revisit it at another point in time. (Location 1749)

great communication (Location 1765)

is the foundation of a great relationship. (Location 1765)

This is true in all contexts; it’s especially true with your partner. (Location 1765)

We eventually learned that the simple solution was a hug. Upon seeing each other, we hug for 10 seconds. Just a (Location 1776)

hug. No talking. Just a hug. (Location 1777)

Something magical happens, the connection is made, and the need for talking for connection goes away. (Location 1777)

That doesn’t let Brad off the hook for talking. If he goes from the hug to his computer, that doesn’t work. (Location 1778)

By having the marker of the hug to start things off, along with a clear articulation of what the (Location 1783)

plan is going to be, we end up connecting at the right time for both of us, rather than as a default activity when we first see each other. (Location 1783)

Brad spends a lot of time in his head—when he’s running, writing, reading, sending email, or just thinking. (Location 1787)

some point in our relationship, we realized that Brad would often think a thought, believe he said it out loud, and assume Amy heard it. (Location 1788)

He needed a code phrase to prompt him to say out loud what was almost certainly in his head. “Brad, use your (Location 1791)

words” became that code phrase. (Location 1792)

The code phrase for these situations became “talk to me.” When Brad first started saying this, it often generated more anger or upset, and often resulted in tears. (Location 1795)

And listens. And listens. And when the words are out, he doesn’t try to solve the problem; instead, whatever he says is a clear reflection that he heard the words. (Location 1798)

In the second case, the entrepreneur can quickly go into problem-solving mode with his partner. But this is rarely the right move; empathy is usually what’s needed, and just listening, hearing, and responding that you’ve heard is the first step. (Location 1804)

“Why do you think you feel that way about things?” without the other person feeling like they are being judged. (Location 1824)

disappointed you. He’d probably rather be with you. (Location 1833)

Recommendation for all entrepreneurs: if you have a significant other, declare tonight Life Dinner. (Location 1855)

Being in a relationship with an entrepreneur is hard, possibly harder than being an entrepreneur. Recognize that and keep talking. (Location 1864)

She has done a few more retreats whenever she “needs to scrape off a whole lot of crazy.” (Location 1993)

But one of us often prompts the walk because we know something is going on that should be discussed. It’s a subtle, but important, signal for us. (Location 2024)

Practice apologizing when you hurt your partner’s feelings. (Location 2033)

The partner at home, who may not be working outside the house, still needs to be acknowledged as making a vital contribution to the financial life of the couple and be empowered to make decisions. (Location 2099)

The real challenge is that you need to know your goals first and then do your time allocation. What is most important to you right now? Today? This week? This year? You can only prioritize your commitments if you’re very clear on what they are. This takes work and, as always, communication with your partner so that you’re aligned on your individual ideas as well as what you want to do together. (Location 2125)

Amy has access to Brad’s Google calendar and can set appointments well in advance for together time, as well as see what he is doing. (Location 2131)

These conversations can be difficult if your ideas about fun and reasonable diverge widely; but these are exactly the important conversations to have so that you understand each other’s expectations. (Location 2142)

actually easier to (Location 2166)

establish boundaries and limits on your time as an initial condition of the complex system that is your life. (Location 2166)

After the initial happy reunion moment, Amy can feel as though her territory is being invaded, which takes the form of her telling Brad, “Don’t touch that pillow on the couch,” or “I was saving that last banana for me.” (Location 2189)

but develops as a response to having alone time where Amy is in complete control of her environment and then has to adjust to Brad’s presence. (Location 2191)

We call this “reentry adjustment disorder,” which can happen on a daily basis for people who have kids. (Location 2192)

conversations about how to make up for time away or whether that is even possible. Brad and Amy try to give welcome home gifts and “look what I found in the Toledo airport that made me think of you” gifts, (Location 2199)

if we know that September through November are unusually heavy travel months for David, we’ll plan for a “no-travel month” immediately following it. That gives me something to look forward to and I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (Location 2212)

We have a rule together that any trip over three nights is something we talk about in advance and we try to plan ahead. (Location 2221)

when the trip is more than three nights is to think about having some or all of the family join him. (Location 2222)

It also keeps me more connected to David’s work. I love (Location 2224)

seeing how the (Location 2224)

companies that he’s working with have advanced and grown. It gives me more insight into the positive things he’s doing and the impact TechStars is having on others, and it makes some of the sacrifice of his travel schedule a little bit easier. (Location 2224)

also relieves David of a little bit of stress or guilt about having to leave us yet again. (Location 2229)

This quality makes up for what is sometimes lacking in quantity. (Location 2232)

We have found that there are differences in communication styles along some continuum of gender and a spectrum of emotional intelligence and empathy. (Location 2240)

By the time Brad arrived, Amy was livid and hardly in the mood for a romantic dinner. (Location 2253)

But she may feel excluded or diminished by not being included in decisions that impact you as a couple. (Location 2299)

don’t need to involve your partner; but it will be important to establish some decision-making methodologies for joint decisions. Some of the areas that we have (Location 2300)

Your partner may need more time to process the underlying reasons for a decision, and will mostly likely want to be involved in more decisions than you’re used to seeking input on in your startup company. (Location 2304)

Patience with each other’s styles will be useful, as well as figuring out what areas you can share decision making in and what areas belong to one of you individually. (Location 2305)

The cliché “opposites attract” is one that you often see played out in real life between partners in an entrepreneurial couple. (Location 2330)

She’s warm, generous, kind, courteous, patient, and thoughtful. I’m none of these things. I’m a hard-driving entrepreneur. From the time I wake up in the morning to the time I fall asleep, I’m totally obsessed with my company, FullContact. (Location 2338)

It never truly leaves my mind. (Location 2340)

company. In many ways, it’s not just my baby, but her baby, too. (Location 2351)

want to be presented with a lot of detail so I understand every element of what we’re talking about. (Location 2368)

He makes decision quickly and almost impulsively, whereas I take a while, and definitely overthink things. (Location 2371)

relationship—he (Location 2375)

is amazing at checking in with me to see how I’m doing, forces me to talk, and tries his best to give me the time and detail I need to make decisions. (Location 2375)

Brad trusts Amy to be both his biggest fan and most honest critic. (Location 2393)

This needs to feel like a safe discussion. It can be as simple as “Sweetie, I need you to be a cheerleader right now” or “Sweetie, I need your perspective on this issue.” Note the specific language: Brad uses the word sweetie to signify that he’s making a specific type of request and then, rather than make a fuzzy demand, he’s clear about (Location 2397)

but it is, as always, important to ask for what you need. (Location 2403)

If one of you has an anxiety disorder, he will likely need to get professional help outside of your relationship and work very hard to segment his issues from conflicts that involve the two of you together. (Location 2416)

Try to take responsibility for your own issues and work to repair your own self in addition to working to build a healthy relationship with your partner. (Location 2419)

Different people have different coping styles, which can cause dissonance and disconnection between you at times when you need support the most. (Location 2425)

Knowing that your partner is committed to supporting you through good times and bad can really help mitigate the inevitable slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. (Location 2428)

“Marriage is not 50/50. It is 100/100—even when she is not 100, you must be because you will not be 100 all the time.” (Location 2544)

His first wife worked a 40-hour-a-week job, and the disparity between entrepreneur and entrepreneurial spouse was profound. While Brad didn’t consciously realize he was neglecting his relationship, his ex-wife felt it every day. (Location 2606)

This prioritization was a conscious choice, discussed and recognized by both of us. How many women do you know that would be excited about the deep romance inspired by a conversation like that? (Location 2631)

high-tech, entrepreneurial company. I think the first rule of being in a relationship as an entrepreneur is making sure that the business really isn’t allowed to become an affair. It isn’t an affair. It is what feeds the heart and head of the entrepreneur and what makes them a full person. (Location 2711)

I never missed my kids’ events; I took them on fantastic vacations and was able to spend long vacation hours with them. I wasn’t there every morning, and I wasn’t always home for dinner, but they were loved and cared for. They could call me whenever they wanted without question, and they loved to visit and engage and feel a part of my entrepreneurial world. (Location 2714)

An interesting lesson that I’ve learned along the way is that a business is truly like a child—once they are born, they don’t shut down or go away. Once you open a business, it has a life. (Location 2717)

fully dependent on me for everything. It was a very big aha moment. (Location 2722)

saved whatever she could. Brad had a housekeeper, went out to nice dinners regularly, and while he never spent anywhere close to what he made, he always had plenty of extra money, which he saved. (Location 2757)

Brad responded that while that was a nice idea, he was going to have a person named Linda (his current housekeeper) handle his weeks, (Location 2761)

was new, it was also a way for us each to maintain some semblance of control. And it was often the source of tension, as we struggled to figure out how to make joint decisions around money. (Location 2766)

Recognize that in most relationships you are combining two different backgrounds around money. However, these different backgrounds don’t have to result in different value systems. Instead, put effort into defining a shared value system. One great example for us has to do with one of our shared loves: collecting contemporary art. (Location 2777)

We realized how much progress we had made in developing a shared frame of reference for what the money is for. (Location 2789)

salary, you will feel pressure from not having enough. (Location 2796)

Once again, communication is a powerful tool that should be at the forefront. As a couple, talk openly about both the situation and the pressure you are feeling. (Location 2797)

Make sure as a couple you know where you stand, how much money you actually have, what your monthly burn rate is, and how long you can go before you are out of money. Ambiguity around this when one partner thinks one thing and the other has a different perspective is the worst situation to be in. (Location 2798)

Agree early on how you will work with money. Do you have separate accounts and budgets, or do you pool everything? (Location 2805)

Most important, try to feel wealthy now. (Location 2812)

It won’t surprise you that once again communication is the most important tactic here. More and more research shows that people derive happiness from experiences rather than things, after a certain standard of material wealth. While you may still be early on this curve, check with your partner and make sure you are in the same place. It might surprise you that a new car is not on the list but a weeklong vacation off the grid, just with each other, is. (Location 2827)

I win bread, and she nurtures our souls and builds great humans; she keeps us alive in a very literal sense of the word. (Location 3279)

RECOGNIZE THAT LIFE IS A MARATHON, NOT A SPRINT (Location 3669)