The Players' Tribune
Where Is My Mind?
The author shares their struggle with severe mental health issues, including suicidal thoughts and feelings of being trapped in pain. They describe a turning point when they realized they needed help and sought therapy. Despite the ongoing challenges, they emphasize the importance of getting support and recognizing that it's okay to be human.
Even when I’m in my normal zone, I’m never really present. I’m noticing everything. If we’re in a room together, I can hear the buzzing of the fluorescent lights. I can see what people are doing with their hands, with their body language. It’s like my awareness sensitivity is cranked up to 100. (View Highlight)
Something would trigger me — usually I’d be reading about religion or spirituality of conspiracy theories — and then I’d get stuck. I would have this kind of childlike curiosity about the unexplainable. The metaphysical. The spiritual. The mystical. And then I’d be on a loop. No time. No space. Just a million and one thoughts. (View Highlight)
Then the loops turned into insomnia. The insomnia turned into paranoia. The paranoia turned into delusions of grandeur. (View Highlight)